


Mistakes Like This

by Agentrogers17



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avada Kedavra, Awesome Molly Weasley, F/M, Hurt Remus Lupin, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Injury, Minor Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, POV Remus Lupin, Protective Remus Lupin, Protective Sirius Black, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black Lives, plus size reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25619284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agentrogers17/pseuds/Agentrogers17
Summary: When Reader has to face a betrayal that was her worst nightmare. Sirius has to watch his best friend almost die protecting him. Could Remus ever imagine where his little actions will lead? Could he be that heartless to hurt the most precious thing in his life? And would the Reader wake up after seven-month-long depression, Avada Kedavra and almost falling through the Veil?
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin & Reader, Remus Lupin/Reader, Sirius Black & Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 51





	Mistakes Like This

**Author's Note:**

> I just needed to get it out, don't roast me.

"You should stop staring," I heard Sirius' gentle voice and turned to face him, his spots of pale blue shining in his grey eyes. A sad, sorry look painted in his sharp, handsome face.

"I should leave," I said. Hating to be in the same room with the man who stole and broke my heart. The man who promised that we never would get to this point, that he would never hurt me, betray me. The man who I thought I knew to the deepest points of his soul. And was mistaken, clearly. The man I knew would never betray me so openly, freely and parade his new arm candy right in front of my face, our friends' face. Sirius grabbed my arm, worry evident in his face now, "You can't leave."

"I am tired, Sirius. I am tired of this, of him, of myself. I can't take it anymore. I just..." I swallowed, I felt like chocking. I felt like a hand was squeezing my throat, the life out of me. I just wanted to breathe. I needed to breathe. Sirius hold on me grew tighter. 

"He is an arsehole. He leaves if someone needs to leave."

"He is your best friend," I reminded him.

"My best friend would never do this, to anyone, especially not to the woman he loves. I don't know this man. I don't know what happened in those 12 years, but I don't know that man."

"I don't have the power to argue," I said, rubbing my head, the headache from all this stress was to be the death of me. Sirius noticed, of course, he did. He has been by my side since the moment Remus started spending less and less time with me to dote over Tonks. My headaches started around that time too, getting more powerful, sometimes not letting me get out the bed at all. I noticed Molly's eyes on me, and her making eye contact with Sirius. Solemn looks on both of their faces. I hated them treating me like I wasn't aware of how bad I was, how they acted as if I was a fragile child. I loved both of them very much. Molly adopting me to her family the moment I joined the Order, and Sirius becoming like an older brother to me the moment he found out Remus and my relationship, were the moments I still cherished. I was a healer, so I spent most of the time at the 12 Grimmauld's Place, which gave me a lot of time to chat and befriend Sirius who was not allowed to leave the house he hated all his childhood. 

"I think I will go to bed," I said, not having the power to ignore Remus and Tonks' flirting and Molly and Sirius' worried glances.

"You haven't eaten dinner," Sirius said, getting up with me, he walked with me to my room upstairs, "I can bring you something, just tell what you want."

"I think I will just sleep," I said, emotionally drained, "Not feeling like eating either."

"You haven't eaten three full meals a day for some time now (Y/N). You need your strength. It is not good for you."

"It's okay. It is not like I don't have any spare," I said vaguely gesturing to the chubby chunk I called my body. Sirius' eyes shone with determination to object, but I swiftly moved inside, closing the door after giving him a "Good night!"

***

I didn't come down until the next morning, so I didn't know anything about Sirius discussion with Molly about my eating habits and his suspicion of me starving myself. I didn't know about the fight Sirius had with Remus after he had the audacity to ask about me. And Moody's arrival with a new mission, and a worried expression on the mostly angry and annoyed man. 

When I came down to the kitchen in the morning, Sirius started watching me like a hawk the moment I stepped in; Molly offered me hundreds of different breakfast options which all were denied by me, Remus was watching me with sad eyes behind his newspaper and Moody greeted me with a grunt. I prepared myself some coffee as four people in the room watched me with various emotions; most of them negative. 

"You have a mission," Moody said, looking at me calculating. Sirius had an annoyed look on him, "She is a healer, her job is here. Find someone else."

"It is her mission Black," Moody said, sick of him probably, it was clear they were not discussing it for the first time, "She is the only one who can do it."

"What is the mission?" I said. Sirius was looking at me in disbelief and as if it was the last time he was to see me. 

"Death Eaters are looking for a healer. Snape will get you in; they don't know your ties to any of us. You were never seen with any of us except Remus, and they know he cheated on you, so you have the perfect story. Revenge from an ex-lover."

"You don't have to do this," Molly and Sirius said at the same time. 

"For how long?" I asked, watching Remus in my peripherals. He didn't look bothered; he didn't care. It meant nothing to him, and I meant nothing to him. I never could mean anything to him.

"Until the war is over," sounded good.

"If they won't kill her first." Sirius hissed at Moody. 

"It's okay," I said, not noticing the way it sounded. And it made even Remus look at me; his face drained of colour at my words. Sirius got up and grabbed my elbows making me look at him, "What do you mean it is okay? What could you possibly mean it is okay?"

"We are in a war, Sirius. It would be tricky if I didn't have the risk to die in a mission," I tried to lie. The worry lines in his face getting deeper, his grip on me weaker.

"When do I leave?" I asked Moody.

"Snape will get you in 2 hours. Pack your things," he said. I nodded and left the room with my coffee. The last thing I heard while ascending the stairs was Sirius' hiss of " You did this to her. If she dies, her blood is on your hands."

***

(Remus' POV)

It has been a month since she left for the mission. A month without her presence around, without her healing around, without any news about her. Severus was joining the meeting every two weeks, but Sirius would kick me out the moment they started to talk about her. I couldn't blame him; he was right; I was the reason he accepted this mission without any thinking of her own security and wellbeing. I knew I hurt her, but this was a reason I did what I did, this, however, was not the outcome I expected or hoped for. With the latest anti-werewolf laws, she was under threat for being with me, we weren't careful with our relationship, and people knew. People knew she was with a werewolf and calling her names, insulting her. The verbal attacks were always the beginning of something worse, even death. Tonks was easy to act with; she was ready to love everyone and anyone, and she knew what I was doing. I never told her openly, but she knew how in love I was with (Y/N) and saw how my affection became non-existent the moment (Y/N), Sirius or Molly wouldn't be around. But she never sad anything and she kept playing the role we decided on her without speaking. But after she learned about her departure to the mission and the mission itself, she said she couldn't do it, and I could see the guilt and horror on her face. She knew she had a part in (Y/N)'s current risky situation, and knew her death was a possibility. 

"I need to tell you something," I told Sirius. A frown and anger lingered on his face, "Please, Sirius, you need to hear me out."

"No. I don't."

"It is about (Y/N)."

"Don't. You don't deserve to have her name in your mouth. You have done enough."

"I love her."

"Yeah, right. I saw how much you loved her. We all did. Thanks to your love she is surrounded by Death Eaters right now. Excuse me if I won't believe your undying love for her."

"I did it to protect her," I murmured.

"You killed her, in every sense of the world. You killed her." Sirius said leaving me alone in the room. 

"Why did you do it then?" I heard Molly's soft teary voice, "Why would you torture her like that? You saw her. She barely ate, barely talked, hardly smiled. You know she blamed herself, she hated herself after that, you know how much she loved you."

"I am a werewolf Molly," I said, "She didn't have a life with me. They would hurt her," tears were falling freely now. 

"She will get hurt worse Remus. Snape said she was not doing better, her depression is getting worse and she doesn't have any friends with her. He brings her depression potions, but he is not sure she takes them, she stopped eating at all—coffee and soups in best days. She also works non-stop. But she provides the needed information, perfectly. Severus asked her to stop the mission, but she refused many times. She said she wants to finish the mission," Molly said with teary eyes. I knew she loved her like a daughter; she was the same age as her second oldest. 

"I am sorry," I sobbed, "I am so sorry," she gave me a gentle hug but did not say anything, as nothing would make things better until she returned safe and sound. Even then, she needed to heal first as I had done too much damage to the poor girl's heart and soul. 

***

The next time I saw (Y/N), was the Battle of the Department of Ministries. She was with them but was not fighting against us. I could see her getting closer to Sirius and Harry in front of the Veil. I had one eye at her; she was slimmer than I remembered her. Not in a healthy way. She was a beautiful and full-figured woman, and I loved her body—everything she hated about herself, her curvy stomach, her squishy flesh and soft tits. She still was curvy, thank Merlin, she still was looking like a woman rather than a sick child. But her face was drained of colour, her usually sparkling eyes were dull, dark circles adorning her pretty eyes.

My heart was breaking at her fragility, knowing I was the major factor in her sadness. She was the first to notice Bellatrix approaching Sirius with a curse in her mind, she rushed to put on a protective spell, but the Aveda Kedavra still hit her. After that moment, everything was a blur for me. I heard Sirius' shout and him catching her halfway into the Veil. I remember Dumbledore apparating, Death Eaters leaving. After that, the silence was the only thing surrounding us. Harry was on the floor watching his godfather cradling (Y/N) in his arms, crying, almost sobbing. The only thing in my mind was that I lost her. She was gone. She died right in front of me, and I couldn't do anything. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks, but I couldn't feel anything. It was like there was a thawless ice inside of me, and I just felt cold. Someone grasped my shoulder and apparated us to 12 Grimmauld. 

Molly's sobs greeted us; the twins were running around carrying potions and bandages to the dining room. I saw Severus rushing into the room the second he apparated Poppy right behind him. No one was injured. No one was injured. Tonks, Molly, Kingsley and Arthur were watching the room from the door. Tonks and Molly were openly sobbing. Molly pulled me into a hug the moment she saw me. And I saw the inside of the room. (Y/N)s body was laid on the table, Sirius crying right next to her, holding her hand. Severus and Poppy were doing spells on her and dripping potions into her softly open lips. She looked dead, but her chest was rising very slowly. And the first time since I saw the spell hit her, I felt something. I felt hope. Hope to fix everything, hope to have the honour of being loved by her again. 

"She is alive," I whispered. Arthur's soft, sad eyes met mine.

"Don't put your hopes up, Remus," he warned softly, "Kedavra hit her, not entirely but still. And she was touched by the Veil. They are not sure if her soul is still intact."

"She might not be there?" I whispered—horror filling my body.

"We don't know dear," Molly said, patting my chest. Her heart stopped a couple of times, but they returned her. Severus and Poppy are working. Dumbledore sent for some healers, but, this is a unique case. No one survived the Veil, you know that, but it grazed her. Sirius says only her left arm was in; he pulled her back. But this is the first case. Poppy was more confident in fixing the Kedavra damage, but the Veil," she sobbed again.

Sirius' eyes met mine, and I never saw the man more terrified and lost in my life. Even when his mother abused him, kicked him out when he went to Azkaban. He just looked at me. Still holding into her small hand. He looked hollow, it has been seven months since we saw her, and the last time we saw her might be in her death bed. Moody apparated inside suddenly, rushing to her side, and pushing a potion into her mouth, which made her cough violently. And I saw everyone in the room brighten. Sirius tried to help her, ease her pain. But she was too weak to sit up. Her head lolled to our side eyelids half-open. Her eyes rested on Tonks, who was standing between Arthur and me. And then her eyes lifted at me to meet my gaze. And suddenly her eyes rolled to the back of her skull, and her whole body stopped. 

"Fuck," Moody shouted, and Sirius closed the door to our faces noticing her reaction was to me. She gave up on life after seeing me. No one exited from the dining room for hours. I heard some apparating noises once in a while, but it also relaxed me. As long as there was a rush inside, it meant she was alive. Kingsley apparated, taking Tonks with him. Molly and Arthur took twins to Burrow to sleep. I sat on the steps for hours. It was early in the morning when Sirius exited with (Y/N) in his arms. She looked pale, sick and more dead than alive.

"Is she?" I whispered. Poppy looked at me, and a sad look graced her face, she rested a hand on my arm, "She is alive, but we don't know if she will wake up. Her soul is still whole and in her. The Veil did not take it from her. Effects of Kedavra are gone. But," she didn't continue. I looked at her and noticed Snape standing behind her, looking at me with hatred. 

"She won't prefer to wake up probably. Her mental state has been bad since you decided to find another girlfriend before letting the first one go. She has become more reckless and more suicidal in the past months. And the first moment she woke up from the near-death experience she saw you and your little girlfriend. I wouldn't be very hopeful about it," he scoffed and apparated. My hands were shaking as I went upside, Sirius laid her in his own room. He was kneeling beside on the floor, forehead resting on her hand which he was holding on dearly. 

"She protected me," Sirius sobbed, "That bloody spell was aimed for me. I was going to die, not her. She fucking protected me," all I could do was watch her from the door. Afraid she would die the moment I stepped there. 

"Sirius," I whispered. We both were blaming ourselves. And we both had a point.

"It is my fault," I said, "She went there because of me. She was in this mindstate because of me. I just wanted to protect her. I just wanted her to be safe," I sobbed into my hands.

***

She didn't wake up for two months. She laid motionless, the potions Severus left for her, to feed her in her coma put some of her weight back, she gained some colour on her cheeks. Sirius was sitting with her day and night, reading to her, talking with her. He pulled the loveseat into the room, sleeping on it every night. I still didn't dare to enter the room, afraid to hurt her with my presence. Sirius wasn't as assailant as he was before. But I could see his own depression growing in him. Her state was affecting him; he was losing himself in his guilt. 

"She won't wake up," he said one day when we were having a silent breakfast: him, me and the Weasleys. 

"Sirius," Arthur warned him.

"She won't. She won't wake up, and she is gone."

"She is alive and breathing," Molly reminded him.

"Because we force her to. We give her potions, we put spells on her, and say she is alive. She doesn't even want to be alive."

"Sirius," I whispered, "would you rather we leave her to die?"

"Haven't we already? You did it with Tonks; we did it with sending her to that mission, alone and in that state of mind," my heart stopped for a second at the reminder of what I did. But, Sirius didn't have venom in his voice, he was tired. He was tired of watching her in that state; he was tired of waiting and hoping for something that was inevitable. 

"We made a mistake," Molly said, "we won't repeat it. Just because you two are tired and impatient doesn't mean I will let her die. Leave her if you want to. I will take her to Burrow and take care of her there."

"You are not taking her anywhere," Sirius growled at her.

"Then stop acting like she already is dead. She will heal and wake up."

***

It happened a few weeks later. All house woke up with Sirius' screams of joy. Me, Molly and Ginny entered her room at the same time. (Y/N) was half sitting, Sirius was sitting right beside her, his arm around her torso, pressing water in her lips. She was taking slow, soft sips as Sirius was brushing her hair with shaking hands. I couldn't hold my tears, falling onto my knees as Molly went to hug the girl to herself, kissing her hair.

"Oh, sweet girl," she murmured, "do you need anything, darling? Are you hungry? Want some tea?" She just shook her head. She saw me on the floor, and her eyes raised a question. Ginny came back running with lime blossom tea; she loved lime blossom tea whenever she felt bad or sick. 

"I put honey in it," the redhead said, sitting next to her, resting a hand on her knee. They didn't really have a lot of memories together, hence the age difference but Ginny always looked up to her. She was one of the few female figures around her, and she patched her up many times when she was younger. We all watched her. Molly and I were crying softly. Sirius' hands were still shaking; he was trying to support her body in seating position. 

"What happened?" she asked in a hoarse voice. 

"You saved me," Sirius murmured, kissing her head, "I hate you for that. You almost died. How could you do that to me?"

"Oh hush it, Sirius," Molly said, "you saved Harry and Sirius darling. Almost fell into the Veil, where Sirius saved you too. Bellatrix sent a Kedavra towards you. You have been sleeping for nearly four months."

"Oh," she said softly. O couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was beautiful. She was heavenly, like a deity. It was like she was freshwater, and I was a man dying of thirst. Molly saw me and a smile appeared on her lips.

"I think someone needs to talk to you," she said, pulling Ginny and Sirius out. Sirius tried to protest, but for a woman her size, Molly was scary when she wanted, raising six chaotic boys. She fell softly on her pillows after Sirius was pulled from behind her. I got up on my shaky legs to move to her; I kneeled on the side of her bed. She was watching me with a neutral look. I didn't dare to touch her, she was looking like an angel, and who I was to touch her soft flesh.

"Don't cry," she whispered. Reaching for me, her thumbs softly brushed off my tears. I could die at that moment, her fingertips felt like heaven, I haven't felt her skin on mine for almost a year, and now being graced with her touch felt unreal.

"I am sorry, I am so sorry," I started sobbing. She tugged my sleeve and rolled to the other side of the bed, opening some space for me.

"I can't (Y/N/N), I don't deserve it," I said, she just looked at me and pulled once more. And I found myself laying next to her. We weren't touching each other, just laying on our sides and looking at each other.

"I have so much explanation to do," I whispered, "I owe you so many apologies. I hate myself for everything, every time I caused you pain," I could barely speak over my whimpers. She pulled me softly to herself and cried harder. Her soft smell was surrounding me, her flesh touching mine. She was in a thin, cotton pyjama dress. And I could feel her soothing body heat seeping into my skin.

"Tell me, Remus," she whispered in my ear, "Just talk. It is just me," she murmured.

"You are a goddess," I murmured, "it is never just you. It is the most beautiful, most wonderful woman in the whole earth."

"Just tell me," she begged, "why would you do that to me? What did I do wrong?" I could feel her own tears. I cupped her face and made her look directly to me, "Nothing. You are perfect. You did nothing wrong. I was an idiot."

"She is beautiful Rem; it is okay you fell for her. I can't blame you."

"I didn't. I never fell for her. There was nothing between us, not really. I wanted to push you away; I wanted to protect you from me. You worth so much more, I was ruining you. I could never give you the life you deserved. The laws against werewolves, they were calling you names, and I had to protect you. I couldn't break up with you, and I loved you too much, and I knew I was a coward. Just look at your face, and I wouldn't be able to break up with you, I am a selfish man. I knew Tonks was interested in me; I knew it would push you away. But there was never anything between us, deep down she new too. Nothing more than what you saw ever happened with her, I would barely talk with her when you weren't in the room," I confessed. 

"Why, Rem? Why would you do this to us? I would rather die than have a life without you," she cried harder, as did I.

"Don't. Don't say that. You can't die. You almost died. And I can't go through that again. None of us can," I whispered in her head.

***

The next few days were focused on her recovery. Her muscles were weaker, so she had trouble sitting, standing and walking. Usually, Sirius or I would help her do all things related to movement. Molly was constantly cooking for her and almost force-feeding her. Ginny was brushing her hair and braiding it. She looked healthier after two weeks and could sit and stand with no issue. She still needed help standing up and walking, especially up the stairs, but usually, I carried her. We didn't talk about our relationship after the first night. Tonks cried on her the first time she saw her awake and apologized many times. Sirius was also softer towards me; I finally had the chance to explain things to him. He called me an idiot, and he was right. 

"Good morning," I said, entering her room slowly, in case she was asleep. And she was, curled in her pillows, hair escaped from her bun in her sleep. She looked beautiful, her curves back in her body. She looked divine.

I sat next to her, brushing her hair from her face, revealing her curled eyelashes touching her cheekbones. Sweet lips parted in her sleep; soft breaths escaping from her mouth. She moved towards me still in her dreamland. I pressed a kiss to her temple, breathing in the smell of her hair. She still smelled like lavender and honey.

"Morning," she murmured, eyes still closed. 

"Morning gorgeous," I answered, "How are you feeling?"

"Sleepy, still. Do you have a mission?"

"Nope, too soon after the moon," I answered, feeling the ache in my bones. 

"Come lay down," she said scooting.

"Darling? Are you sure?"

"Of course I am," she said. And I laid right next to her. She moved to lay on my chest, and instinctively I wrapped an arm around her back.

"Remmy," she whispered. I just hummed too relaxed in her bed, surrounded by her body and her smell.

"I love you," she whispered.

"Darling," I stuttered, "You deserve much better. You are young and beautiful, and I can't hurt you again," I said. Remembering the state I put her in.

"We both won't make the same mistakes," she assured me, "I love you, and I hate being without you. I miss you, Remmy. I miss being with you. I need you."

"(Y/N)," I tried to protest. But she just leaned into me and pressed her lips right on mine. Even the touch of her lips made me moan; it has been so long since I kissed her. I pulled her on me, and my skin was buzzing with satisfaction, as I felt her weight on top of me. I kissed her deeper, caressing her lower lip with my tongue. 

"I love you," I murmured, "I love you. I love you. I love you." I repeated like a prayer. Her fingers went into my hair, making me moan into her mouth. I forgot the effect she had on me. I forgot how perfect she was. 

"Remmy," she whispered again, "Are we back? Can we?" she asked, pressing kisses onto my jaw.

"If you want this, if you want me, "I whispered, not being able to tear my gaze from her lips.

"More than anything," she said, diving back into my lips. 

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think!


End file.
